So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
