I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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