you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
