It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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