I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
