i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
