I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Randomize
