Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
