so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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