Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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