Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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