the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
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