I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
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