so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
