So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
