I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
