According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
