WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
