I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
