Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
