So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize