I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
