Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
