Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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