When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
