Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
