He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
