im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
last night I used snow as a chaser
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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