don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
