He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
So vagazzling was a success
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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