you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Everyone says I win the strip club
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
