did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Randomize
