Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Randomize
