GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
