I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I didn't notice because vodka
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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