Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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