I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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