How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
