My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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