Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I want to have your abortion
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
