There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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