Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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