i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
