i think my tv is drunk
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
