dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
You don't make any sense
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