Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
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