Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
