sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
