I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
So apparently I’m into choking now
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
