Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
