you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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