you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
