Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
