Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize