The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
