I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I think i got beer on your cat.
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