that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
