god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
school has made you so classy.
that's mcgill. producing sluts since 1884.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
