i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
