it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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