Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
