I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
