she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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