i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
