my phone needs a breathalizer
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
nutella sex= disaster
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
